2024-12-08
While I've certainly provided a little levity to folks in genuine crisis, I'm far from an expert on what some folks call the act of "care clowning".
There are clowns I've known who's specialty was performing in cancer wards, hospices, and other "end of the line" sorts of venues. Trying to spread joy in such grim settings can be emotionally grueling. I've seen it completely break people who weren't prepared for the hard realities of that sort of work.
At the start of my journey, I knew deeply in my bones that I needed some amount of hope in order to function.
I've experienced a great deal of trauma in my life. What consistently got me through the worst of it was the belief that there was going to be something less awful on the other side of the excruciating now.
This useful bit of self knowledge was fundamental to my understanding of who I was at the time. It also made me a terrible entertainment choice for those situations where there was simply no possibility of a win.
There has been a fair amount of time since that realization, and more of it than you might expect had me ruminating upon this exact thought.
In recent years, I have found myself standing along the edge of an actual (if slow moving) apocalypse. Keeping people company there, with the singular goal of pushing back at a bit of the loneliness, has transformed my worldview.
There are still moments where I question whether I'm the right clown for the job.
I do find some comfort in better understanding what the job actually is.